Tell you what… I realised how weird it is when you bump into someone who used to go to the same school as you, or someone you used to know that you never spoke to, or even someone you just saw once in a while but hardly spoke to. Okay, that’s not the weird part. I’d like to say the weird part is when someone you don’t seem to have recalled ever meeting/known just approaches you and strikes up a conversation with you. What is the most tactful way to resolve this situation? I just casually (natch) speak to them, trying to avoid subjects that require the use of their name (e.g. “Yes, I was just out the other day in my garden, pumping iron, and I realised that I hadn’t seen (insert name) in a while” — whatever you do, don’t get the name wrong. They’ll wonder what the hell that person has to do with you, them, or the conversational situation). I try to spin the conversation around to mutual friends and what they’re currently doing. It’s just a complete killer when the person that approaches you is a complete “Betty.” This happened to a friend of a friend of a friend (ok, it actually happened to me)… This gorgeous girl just walked up to me in the street about 5 years ago. I had a slight inkling that she had mistaken me for someone else, but this thought escaped possible reality when she greeted me with “Hi, Tun.” We had a chat for a short while, all the while with me none-the-better of knowing who she was. She was really cool about it all and I can’t remember what I said but she just asked me “You don’t remember me do you?” Ouch, I thought it was a really cold thing to ask, especially since I thought she was going to make me humiliate myself further by voicing several wrong attempts to her identity. I told her that she looks a little familiar, but the way she spoke was even more familiar. She smiled and told me that I used to be in her class in year 4. Yes, when I was about 8 years old! I obviously hadn’t changed, but she certainly had progressed clearly into her womanhood. She said that I was seated nervously next to her when I started middle school school late (in February — that’s right, other people think turning up at 11am is late enough to be fashionable. But not me). Another useless bit of information to supplement this story is that since I joined middle school roughly 4 months later than everyone else, I had to take an entrance exam. I basically scored outside my age group for English, so was put into a class with people a year older than me. Again, this complements the “I sometimes feel I was born in the wrong year” thought that occasionally enters my mind. Anyway, it was nice to see her again. In fact, I don’t even know where she is now. Maybe we’ll meet again, and when we do, I hope I’ll remember her name. It’s Laura. I think.

From one girl I don’t really know to another… this reminds me of a girl that started chatting to me on ICQ (a chat type protocol similar to AOL Instant Messenger). I was chatting to her in the background whilst I was focusing most of my attention on the work I was doing (on Bill Gates’ Word) and in what was probably less than an hour she was already saying how she might have found the person she’d been looking for in her life! Don’t get me wrong, I was NOT romancing or trying to romance her in any way. I was just being polite, being me, doing some homework (which is unusual for being me). I tried to shed a little light of reality into this whole scenario without upsetting the girl’s feelings. I told her how she didn’t know what she was saying because you can’t really fall for a person unless you meet them, spend time with them, in the flesh. She wasn’t having any of that, arguing that looks don’t count and it’s the person inside that really matters. At this point I really wanted to go to somewhere like www.carnival-freaks-and-circus-oddities.com and pic out a nice pic to send her (pun alert - woo woo). Needless to say that people who use that line (about inner beauty) in general conversations probably are already on www.carnival-freaks-and-circus-oddities.com. She continued, and I quote, with “But I want you. In my heart I wanna make you part of my life.” Hmmm, now if a strange girl came up to me in a (non-virtual) bar/street/hotel-room/shower and made this statement to me, I wouldn’t know what to do, but since this girl was using this line in a virtual environment, she had to be at least totally crazy.

One of the most memorable lines from this conversation was “Are we going to try to make this work?” where the word “this” referred to a “relationship.” I again pointed out another simple observation that obviously had eluded her, that we were oceans apart and it would never work even if we wanted it to (which at this trembling point for me, was something I did not want). I politely declined. Those of you who share the same mindset as said girl, will be crying out at me, saying how much of an idiot I was to let such an opportunity pass me like that. But I can safely say that the majority of people will be somewhat relieved at my decision and that another one has not been hit by cyber-cupid and his poisonous arrows (the recipe of which he stole from the Pygmies). Now if she wasn’t at least completely crazy, she’d have left me alone at this point, realising how wrong she was to even try convincing a person she had never actually met that they were right for each other and could make it work no matter how far apart they are. Alright, there is no real solid manual for the protocols and rules of dating (they exist yes, but they are not real - different rules for different fools), but there are guidelines and general rules of etiquette. Obviously a previous chapter in the general rules of courting was overlooked in this case; the preceding chapter would have stated that you need to spend time face to face with that person and get to know them. When you’re both meant for each other, and one of you has to emmigrate to another country or continent, then and only then should you go onto the next chapter about how “love knows no boundaries.” Another thing that made me chuckle was the fact that when I spoke hypothetically of a girl, to illustrate a point, e.g. “If a girl came up to me in the street and told me she wanted to get to know me better, I’d consider spending time with her to get to know her” she’d ask me “Who are you talking about? Which girl?” It’s true sarcasm cannot always be easily detected on paper, but hypotheticals? Come on, it’s soooo hard to tell isn’t it?

Before the conversation ran low on (self-es)steam, she made what I presume was a last ditch effort to try to win me over, with the words “People I work with tell me I look beautiful.” Man o’ man, this confused me even more because now after trying to convince me that what’s on the inside is what matters, she’s even bringing on the subject of her looks, which is what wouldn’t matter anyway, right? I ended the conversation saying that if she continues being friendly and nice, she’ll meet someone who deserves her one day. Sure enough, a few days later she chats to me again. She’s really short with me this time, and when I ask if she’s tired, she tells me she’s not and that she’s chatting to her friend and her boyfriend. I reiterated, saying that I told her she’d find someone. The conversation was short this time and she just left. I thought, “Phew, at least I won’t have to go through the dilemma of having that wacked out conversation with her.” I told a (female) friend of mine about this and she said something funny that deserves a mention, “So she’s got a boyfriend? hmmmm, what a slut!” Riaaoouuuuwww! The final chapter, I guess, to complete this trilogy occured a few days later where she greets me again. I was a little stern with her this time, saying “Oh, so now you want to talk to me.” She was heartbroken because her boyfriend had broken up with her. I can’t believe this girl! I’m not sure how much the relationship could have meant if it broke up so soon. Here’s a word of warning to you girls out there… if you love too easily, you will get hurt. Reminds me of something Ross says in an episode of Friends where he is asking Rachel why Mark, a boss at a place where she wants to work, would be asking her out to lunch, just to help her fill out applications… “Sounds like Mark’s trying to get himself some sex.” A little crude perhaps, but nevertheless true almost 100% of the time. Like my friend always said, “If you want to be treated nicely, get a dog.” A different school of thought says that all men are dogs. OK then.