It’s in the air and I know that smell… why, it’s Valentine’s Day again. The smell of scented petals on flowers and the joy on the faces of sweethearts when loved ones exchange tokens of love and declare their devotion to each other. Awwwww. For this Valentine’s day monologue I decided to make a quick attempt at researching the traditions on this day and from where they originate. Read on, darlings. Now please don’t write in and say you never learn anything from us.

Valentine’s Day was named after Saint Valentine, who was the patron saint of love. He was martyred in Rome for his Christian views on February 14th in the 3rd century and strangely enough, he didn’t spend his time trying to make people fall in love with each other, nor was he at any time armed with a love-bow that could fire love-arrows.

The tradition of Valentine’s Day has changed much over the years. A tradition practised prior to today was that the first man seen by any woman on that day must be her Valentine, whether she liked him or not. Imagine if this were a strict rule today. You’d get loads of male groupies hanging around outside women’s houses. This would be a cool idea because every geek would have his day. But I’m sure most women wouldn’t leave the house. It also doesn’t say anything about having only one valentine. I would go around to each desirable woman’s house and wake them up after midnight, then move along each house doing the same. By morning, I would be the ultimate Valentine’s master, having collected all 150 eligible spinsters.

Gifts have always been exchanged on February 14th, but it wasn’t really until the 19th century that these gifts became just cards and flowers, instead of prized pedigree horses, country houses, a cup crafted from a unicorn’s horn and a rival’s head on a stick. Thank the bright spark who had the printing press and thousands of yards of card in rollers and decided to turn it into a greeting card holiday. “Baldrick, why spend all your silver on buying your lady friend a gold ring? Say it with a printed greeting card. You write the best poetry.” “Why, thank you Tarkwell. That is a marvelous idea.” Pffft.

This day where people say “I love you” more than on any other day of the year around the world couldn’t have come at a worse time for high-profile celebrity showbiz couple, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I’m sure some people living under a rock or even in a rock had no idea that they were even married (”What you say, Billy Bob? I thought they was just friends. Why, they don’t even have the same surname“) but now it appears their marriage is over. I find it pretty sad when two people fall out of love, but if they split mutually and each get together with someone else, that’s the best that could come out of it. I’m not sure whose shoulder Nicole has been resting her head on, but Tom has been comforted by the co-star in his latest film project, Penelope Cruz. If they got married she might change her name from Penelope Cruz to Penelope Cruise, but most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference (if you’re sitting there wondering what I’m talking about, you’re one of them, Billy Bob’s friend).

To coincide with Valentine’s day, over the past few weeks they’ve been running a crime film series on TV. They’d shown classic mobster movies like Carlito’s Way, Goodfellas and Scarface. I had been catching each of these on TV and all that gunplay reminded me of when my brother was telling me about the new headmaster at his high school. He pulled out a replica cap gun during assembly in front of all the kids and fired it a few times in the air. He then told the kids that his favourite director is Quentin Tarantino and his fave movies are Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs. He pointed out the significance in pulling his gun out in front of the kids by saying that in Resevoir Dogs they say “Let’s go to work” and that’s what they should do… Go to work. Then he recommended this movie to the kids who were aged from 13 years old! Ack, and all this about 3 months following the Dunblane memorials. The man must be a certified loony tune. I’m sure a lot of children made the connection between him pulling a gun out and his fave director/films, all of which involve shooting. I really felt sorry for the kids that didn’t spot the connection and feared that they would get shot if they didn’t start improving the quality of their work. Who said brains were a prerequisite for becoming the headteacher there? Fact of the matter is that he did improve the grades that year. The A-C pass average rocketted from approx 30 to 60%. He probably did it by scaring the kids though.

Anyways, happy remains of St Valentine’s Day. I hope you have/had a good one!