“Tribute” by Tenacious D bombards air molecules to reach my ears… “And we played the first thing that came to our heads, just so happened to be the best song in the world. It was the best song in the world. Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see one and one make two, two and one make three. It was destiny…”
Tucking into a plate of post-lunch-pre-dinner sautéd king prawns and onions heaped onto the bread and butter of the Eastern world (uh, rice), I thought “Mmmmm, goooood.” At the same time I wondered how we acquire tastes for different things. How can I love sashimi and sushi so much and someone else would loathe it to the same degree as… well, second degree burns.
The food industry is an interesting industry and it’s massive inherently because nearly everyone has cooking skills of some sort. I think the biggest crime being commited today, which we just accept, are the sales of sandwiches. They have the biggest markup in the world considering the price of raw materials (two slices of bread, a cut of butter, fillings of some sort) and labour costs. Conclusion: True crimes are being commited in food stores around the world. To a lesser extent, coffee is guilty too. The smarter ones buy a jar of ground coffee beans, some milk, some sugar and some disposable cups, then set up a stall outside the busiest tube station, holding up a sign containing the numbers “three” and “zero” in that order. I’ve often joked that I would do that right under the canopy of a Starbucks and be sponsored to see how long before I am Police-escorted off the premises. There are some people who drink in the region of 8 cups each day and vehemently deny that they have a problem. Caffeine addiction is a serious risk. Have to remember that next time the nice waitress hands me another cup of frothy artery clogging “Tall Mocha Frappuccino with added whipped cream,” with her most innocent smile, bidding me “A good day.”
For the first time a few days ago I was asked what my favourite meat was. If I was being interviewed by Horse and Hound magazine, I would have treaded with added prudence or perhaps even thrown in a suitably timed joke, but I was asked by someone barely qualified to interview a microwave. My answer: “What the heck are you talking about? Choosing a favourite meat is like choosing a favourite type of water torture. It can’t be done.” Well, it’s because we crave things at different times. Some days I love the tender whiteness of chicken and other days I just crave sinking into fillet steak. I do try to watch what I eat, but only to make sure it doesn’t fall off the fork as it’s approaching my gullet. But really, I do because I don’t want to go back to being the boy with the puppy dog eyes and puppy fat face.
My good pal Sanje loves food. No, he LOVES food. The best thing about his love for all meats including chicken is that it’s coupled with his irrational fear of feathers. He could eat any feathered friend but he could not hang out with one. Even anything resembling chickens or birds (ahem, British slang duality) scare him something awful. The best is when we’re out looking at the shops during Easter time… furry cuddly baby chicken season! Ever seen a grown man wail like an eunuch banshee? I have.
The future appears to be in the hands of insects, or more appropriately in the maxillae of insects. Bugs are highly nutritious and ubiquitous on planet Earth, so no immediate shortage can be forecast. A relatively new restaurant called Edible opened in London and they serve chocolate crickets, ant mash potato and cheddar flavoured worm crisps amongst scorpion Martinis (hopefully not shaking or stirring), Crocodile burgers and smoked Cobra. A novel concept but taking into account the prices of the items on their menu as well, I wonder how long till they sink below Pizza Hut (who have branches that provide added rat droppings and human nails at no extra charge).
One interesting website I stumbled across was a photographic collection of food eaten by people. But, the most most interesting website I had ever encountered on meat had to be over at (politically incorrect) Manbeef, from where one could order human meat that had been prepared for consumption. It was so obviously a hoax, but with so many people in the world barely qualified to interview gamma rays, it was taken seriously (why the heck would you publicly advertise something illegal like that?). It got me wondering what human would taste like. Mom says it would taste like pork, because the composition is similar to humans and the flesh would be just as sweet tasting. Hmmmm, human meat. You are what you eat, Dr Lecter.
The worst exhibits in supermarkets are the meals that are prepared with meat substitutes, yet retain a meaty exterior. They resemble meat! They say you are what you eat. If you eat meat substitutes to suppress your cravings of the real deal (or arguably, “the real meal”) then are you just a substitute; a sidekick for Joe Meat-Eater? Are you a fake? Does the world really have to be an illusion? A world filled with animal rights mentalities and philosophies? Why so many questions? My brother loves animals a lot. He donates to animal charities and opposes laboratory research and cruelty in all its forms. However, he likes dogs just as much as he likes hot dogs.
Animals are raised and reared for different reasons. I was watching a TV program yesterday called Jamie’s Kitchen where chef Jamie Oliver places his own money on the line to run a restaurant with amateur-cum-delinquent student chefs. He took them to a pig farm and you could see how much love there was between the farmer and his pigs. “He treats them like family, until… erm.” Inevitably this extra care and labour of love turns out the finest sausages and porky products. Another reminder why we are towards the top of the food chain. Because we want to be.
I’m aware of all the propaganda surrounding these issues, but I choose meat. One of my good friends Marc is a vegetarian. He used to eat meat. It was stuffed down his gob when he was younger but he decided after much thought to stop eating it. Although he likes to voice his reasons for being a vegetarian every once in a while, like when we’re in “McMurder restaurants” he doesn’t try to convince everyone to turn against meat. He’s not a preacher, he’s a practitioner. That’s my favourite kind of vegetarian.
If I really am what I eat. I’m just a big hulking mass of everything. Food glorious food… I cannot live without thee, literalee.
Rhyme of the day: See above.
(Useless) Fact of the day: Cyanide tastes like bitter almonds.
