Yesterday, I finally went and got my hair cut after putting it off for 2 weeks already. I was almost certain I was going to have them cut it leaving it long, but after just sitting there and watching the hairdresser snip at my hair, I decided to just go for a shorter cut instead. Though, by any one else’s standards, it is still considered longish. I just never really liked short hair even though a few people say it suits me. It’s also strange how when it comes to hair, the scissors can be like a tool of time travel. I always end up looking younger, when I cut my hair and I am not sure if it’s psychological or not. Anyway, the scissors trimmed a few years off me and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Hmmm.

Shani, Yogi and I visited Marc. This was one day we couldn’t cancel, because it was his birthday. He had been placed in his own little room and when we popped in through the door, his face lit up with so much joy, it made me rejoice inside. I never once considered doing anything else on that day but visit him, but seeing how happy he was really affected me. He’s always been a happy person, despite being really pessimistic at times. As we sat down, catching up on news, listening to his stories (some of which were sad) I felt a twitching sensation deep inside of me that I hadn’t felt for a long time. I think I can be quite cold-faced when it comes to these sort of situations, but I found myself going really quiet; unable to speak. he should be moving hospital soon and then sent home shortly after that. He has been through pain that no one else in his shoes could comprehend. These incidents really change the way a person thinks. I’ve never taken anything such as my health or mobility for granted and after seeing the less fortunate, it is something I don’t feel I could be selfish enough to do anymore.

My days tend to be happy-go-lucky in general. I may not wear a happy face the whole time, but deep inside I really do feel happiness. I am able to understand the metaphor that it is your heart that contains love, because I feel it all there when I see something or someone beautiful to me, whether it be with my eyes opened or closed. The heart is the organ that pumps the life-giving ichor through my body to the same extent that it pumps the love-giving ichor through me. It is a natural high and the only high that will leave you feeling good even when it goes away.

I had a conversation earlier in the week with L about prioritising your life; whether you should put your friends first or your girlfriend/boyfriend first. I had concluded that it totally depends on the situation and who is most in need of support at that given time. Shani had received a call from his girlfriend and because we were in the room with Marc, he didn’t pick it up and instead diverted it to his voicemail. Later, Yogi and I joked about how his girlfriend was not oging to be happy about that and that she was now going to reduce his curfew, put him on household chores for a month and make him clean the floors in her apartment with a toothbrush, etc. He took our teasing very well, but said that she was a little disappointed because it was her friend’s birthday and she wanted him to be there. It brought the earlier conversation about priorities into perspective. In the same situation I would have done the exact same, though I may have tried to make an appearance at the party later. My good friends will always be there for me and it’s something I will not forget. Life would be perfect if your girlfriend/boyfriend was also your best friend too and could be considered a priority in your life alongside your other close friends.

I don’t know whether it’s the fading of spring or the smell of summer around the corner, but it seems everyone is getting more exercise and working out. I have taken to it too, though not as religiously as my brother (I think). But it’s definitely paid off to the point where I wonder why I hadn’t started sooner. I feel many times stronger and healthier. My balance has improved too, since I have started trying to get better at handstands again (out of practise since I stopped training at the dojo). Plus, I amazed myself yesterday by almost being able to do a one-handed press-up. The quest for looking good naked is looking good.

Yogi: I’ve started working out more now. I’m working on 40kg bicep curls.
Me: Impressive. Your arms will be like tree trunks, but why 40kg?
Yogi: So that I can lift 40kg with one arm and 40kg with another. Most people don’t weigh over 80kg, so I could pick someone up and throw them.
Me: But Kristy said that you couldn’t even pick her up.
Shani: How are you going to carry her over the threshold?
Yogi: Yeah, of course I can pick her up. She’s like 50kg.
Me: OK, so why the sudden interest again in working out?
Yogi: Well my arms have healed better now, so I can start again. Did I tell you her dad works out?
Shani: Leather?
Yogi: What?!
Shani: You mean leather?
Me: What are you on about? He said her dad works out.
Shani: Oh! Sorry, I thought he said “He wears cow.”

{Cue hysterical laughter}

Now I’ve got the happiness part out of the way, I have something to say regarding the more emotional and melancholic feelings I go through. I am usually always happy and only really experience lulls in happiness as opposed to bouts of sadness or sorrow. I tend to emote according to the situation, tayloring my emotions to each individual scenario. I have that strange ability of feeling terribly sad one moment and then the next I’ll feel terribly happy. It’s like I have an internal switch to push me from one extreme to the other, but no matter what happens I can never stay unhappy for too long.

Last night I had a really intense dream. Correction. Nightmare. Well actually, I don’t know if it was a nightmare or just a bad dream or even a good dream in disguise. It feels strange to even say it, but sometimes it feels like I have some sort of psychic link with someone and am able to sense the emotions they are going through. The downside of this is that I start thinking that the things I hear are not the truth or the whole truth and this irks my poor brain at times. Another thing is that with people, I like to question their faith but only because I like to hear about their thoughts on whether there are such things as ghosts, spirirts, the afterlife and God. I don’t tell many people this, but I really do believe in God and believe that either he or his/my angels speak to me at times in my life when I question things most. And these are not questions about their existence. These are questions about life; my life in particular. They’ve always steered me along the right path and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without my faith in such things. The last few weeks have been a really confusing time for me with a few things happening all at once. Everything has happened so quickly since the start of the year and I am almost at a loss as to why it’s almost April already. At the start of the year I learned that in Chinese astrology it was the year of the ram; my year. It told me of the greener pastures that were there for me if I would only take them, and the sacrifices I would have to make. I knew of some incidences that would take place early in the year, which would affect me long term, but I couldn’t determine which of them should be sacrifices and which of them should be greener pastures. It was almost like being given an encrypted message with only half of the key. I would only have been able to decipher the other remaining half of the key with time. But now I think I know.

I had been dreaming quite vividly for the last week now. They were vivid in that I could remember them all and that they had a realistic shimmer to them that made them feel so real. Physicians would attribute these dreams to my eating habits before going to bed (eating carbohydrates before sleeping), but it can’t just be that. I rarely get dreams this intense and they have an effect of shaking me up inside somewhat and making me question every significant thing around me. I believe this dream was another one of those signs. Last night, it felt like I was getting some clues again from someone above. It had been a long while since the last one and that one turned out to be true. To be honest, I can’t even remember when the last time was, or even what it was about. All I remember was that it was one of the most realistic dreams; off the scale in terms of dreams seeming real. I dreamed of the things behind the scenes in my life. The backstories of the people I know and the things that had happened in their life that would affect me. It was like Heaven was opening its gate just a crack, so that I could peek in briefly and catch a glimpse of what was to come ahead in life. Right now, I can’t be 100% sure the things I saw were things that would happen in future or things that had already happened. But, it has stirred me up inside. It was a bad dream to me and I can’t say it was as bad as a nightmare, but it upset me enough that I am sure I cried in my dream (though in the morning there were no signs of me crying in reality). It wasn’t an overemotional bawling cry. It was a silent but intense cry, with the tears strolling down my quivering cheek. Makes me wonder even more about myself because I never cry in real life situations. I only cry at make believe things, like movies and now, dreams. Whether that dream was really a sign from my angels and whether it was/is really true, can only be answered with time. So, in the meantime I’m just going to stay positive and embrace happiness with open arms. Yes, I’m smiling.